I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
