can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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