No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
