just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
