oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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