I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
