And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
