I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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