You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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