He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
