a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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