Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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