I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
