Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
