Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
