Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
