textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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