i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
