I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
