just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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