just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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