I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
