i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
