I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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