Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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