people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
