just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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