Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
