He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
