It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
