I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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