So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
