we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
