Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
