I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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