Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
