if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
