i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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