well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
