Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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