Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
