It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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