who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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