So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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