Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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