I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
