Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Drunk is not a location!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
