My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
