My sheets look like a crime scene.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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