I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
