I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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