I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Randomize
