Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize