I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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