just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
